You have come to the brutal realization that your child is caught up in the vortex of a narcopath. The entire relationship is a scam. Perhaps you’ve had your suspicions for a while. Perhaps you’ve even tried to tell your kid that the partner was no good, but he or she wouldn’t listen to you, because the narcopath is a cunning liar.
Now everything has collapsed, and you can’t understand why your son or daughter didn’t see it coming. Now your instincts kick in and you want to fix it for them, but they don’t want to hear advice right now. A narcopath is a cunning liar, and a part of your child still believes the narcopath’s lies. Don’t be too hard on them. Narcopaths are experienced con artists, and they are very, very good at the games they play. In fact, they spend their entire lives perfecting their craft.
Ten Reasons Why Your Child Fell for the Narcopath:
1. Your child didn’t know narcopaths existed
As parents we teach our children that everyone is created equal, everyone just wants to be loved, and there’s good in everyone. As young children, we taught them about bad touching, and what to do if this ever happened to them. We taught them not to get in cars with strangers. We taught them what to do about the school yard bully. We did everything we knew to do as parents to protect our children from evil people.
BUT, we didn’t teach our children that approximately 22% of the population are dark evil souls hiding behind pretty masks. We didn’t teach them that not everyone who says they love you is telling the truth. Why would we? If you are like me, then you had no idea what a narcopath was, much less that people like this existed.
These dark souls come from all demographic groups and all walks of life. They appear on the outside to look like you and me. They live and act like everyone else when in public. What we should have taught our children is that not all people who are attractive, educated and well-mannered are good people. Some are quite evil, and all are cunning liars. What we should have taught them is that if anyone tells them the people who love them unconditionally are bad, then run. But, we didn’t and raising the topic now only causes hard feelings.
2. Your son or daughter is good and kind-hearted
Perhaps you taught your children to treat others the way they want to be treated. Your son or daughter may be naturally kind and willing to help others. Usually, this is a wonderful way to live. Unfortunately, there are people in the world – narcopaths – who are willing to take advantage of anyone’s goodness, kindness and generosity.
We all tend to interpret the way others behave according to the way we behave. So if we don’t lie, and would never dream of intentionally hurting someone, we don’t know it’s possible for another person to do it to us. This kind of thinking makes us walking targets for the narcopath.
3. Narcopaths are cunning liars
It is impossible to overstate a narcopath’s ability to lie. They are exceptionally good at it. These people lie as easily as they breathe. They spend their entire lives perfecting their lies. They tell big lies and small lies. They tell outrageous lies. They even lie when they’d be better off telling the truth. Narcopaths can look deep into your eyes and lie. All of those tips about how to spot a liar simply do not work with narcopaths.
If your son or daughter is basically honest, they never stood a chance.
4. Narcopaths promise to make dreams come true.
In the beginning of the involvement, the narcopath likely asked your son or daughter a lot of questions, and listened very carefully to their answers. Your kid likely interpreted this to mean that the narcopath was really totally interested in them.
Actually, the narcopath was listening carefully to find out your child’s hopes and dreams. The narcopath wanted to discover the deepest place within them to set the seduction hook by promising to make the dreams come true, and who doesn’t want to believe someone who promises to make your dreams come true?
5. Narcopaths target vulnerabilities
If we’re human, we have vulnerabilities. Narcopaths are experts at finding and exploiting them. This doesn’t necessarily mean that your son or daughter lacks intelligence, has low self-esteem, or is a co-dependent personality. We all have desires, and what we want makes us vulnerable. We also all have emotional wounds, and those wounds make us vulnerable. Many times emotional wounds date back to childhood. Can you think of anything your son or daughter experienced that could have created a wound? Did he or she suffer an emotional loss at the hands of their first love?
6. Narcopaths hijack the natural human bonding process
When people experience intimacy, a hormone called oxytocin is released into the bloodstream and brain. Oxytocin is triggered by any type of intimacy – emotional sharing, physical touching and sex. Oxytocin makes us trust the person with whom we share intimacy. Feelings of love cause dopamine to be released in the brain. Dopamine is associated with energy, motivation and addiction. These psychological and biological changes are normal. Nature intended them to make us want to stay with our romantic partners to care for children.
None of this applies to narcopaths. They do not form bonds. But they intentionally do things – like causing fear and anxiety – that make it difficult for their partners to break the psychological bonds and escape.
7. Narcopaths present themselves as perfect partners
In the beginning, it seems like the narcopath has so much in common with your son or daughter. That’s because narcopaths figure out what their targets are looking for, and then make themselves into that person.
Then, narcopaths keep the mask on as long as necessary to get the target hooked. Once the target is committed – perhaps living together, married or pregnant – the narcopath may totally change.
8. Narcopaths engage in brainwashing
Cult leaders – who are narcopaths in the extreme – have discovered that the most effective brainwashing technique is love bombing. This means is showering their targets with attention and affection, making the target feel loved and wanted.
The narcopath your son or daughter encountered likely did this in the beginning of the relationship. That’s how they got hooked.
From there, the narcopath may have gradually engaged in mind control by manipulating your kid’s behavior, information, thoughts and emotions. The narcopath likely instilled an “us vs. them” mentality in your son or daughter, with you being the bad guys. This is a typical thought control tactic. Narcopaths instinctively know to do this. But their targets, unfortunately, are not aware of what is happening.
9. Narcopaths Isolate & Alienate Partners from family and friends who genuinely care about them.
From years of experience, the narcopath know you will see through her charade at some point and alert your child. For this reason, she (or he) must convince your child that you are the bad one. This is done with lies, manipulation, triangulation and a host of other mind games. Believe me, it can and will be done, if you and your child don’t know what you are up against.
10. A premeditated plan
The entire relationship was a scam, and the narcopath executed a plan that was years in the making. (Yes, this happens.)
This is mind-boggling. No one wants to believe that promises of love and devotion are just a ruse. So even if your son or daughter started having doubts, they never even dreamt of the scope of the narcopath’s betrayal.
As a Parent, What Do You Do Now?
Please understand that your son or daughter was up against a professional liar. A narcopath is a cunning liar first and foremost. She (or he) targeted your kid, and used love bombing, lies, mind control, emotional manipulation, fear and guilt to execute the exploitation scheme. The narcopath probably did not employ all those tactics with you. Therefore, you may have been able to see what was going on, where your son or daughter could not.
Mom and Dad, if your kid now knows they’ve been scammed, the pain of betrayal is overwhelming. The last thing they need to hear from you is, “I told you so.” The best thing you can do is focus on your love for your brokenhearted child, and without judgment, help him or her pick up the pieces.
by Byrlyne Van Dyke-Dowers